Reflections

First of all Happy New Year!    We had a quiet New Year's Eve at home last night.  Winter finally made it to Colorado.  We had snow, wind and bitterly cold temperatures.  We had planned an evening with friends, but Claire came down with an awful sounding cough Thursday night, and we didn't want to take her out.  We spent the evening curled up on the couch, staying warm, and just enjoying our time together. 

And 2010?  Wow, what a year!

This time last year I was 8 months pregnant.  We were getting so close to meeting our baby, and while there was excitement, there was also fear.  Fear of the known and the unknown.  We knew she had a heart defect.  We knew she would need open heart surgery before she was 6 months old.  The unknown was Down syndrome.

And to top it all off, I was nervous about having a baby, ANY baby.  Growing up, I'd always said I didn't want kids. And now, here I was, just weeks away from having a baby.  The first time mom nerves went into high gear...what was I going to do with a baby?  what if I was a terrible mom?  what if I wasn't ready?  what was I going to do if my baby really did have Ds?

When I got pregnant, my constant, never ending prayer was for my baby to be healthy, happy and whole.  I didn't think that was too much to ask for.  People have healthy kids all the time.  Instead, my child had health issues and a disability.  I felt cheated.  Surely there was someone else more qualified to have a child with special needs.

And then she was born.  And I was in love.  Totally, completely in love.  She was here, beautiful and perfect.  My fears were calmed.  I could do this.

Just doing this, turned into loving this. 

Loving each and every accomplishment, celebrating every milestone.  Cherishing the tight hugs and the open-mouthed, slobbery kisses.  Laughing with my daredevil as we fly through the house, and hang upside down.  Loving every bedtime book.  Setting up the tower of blocks, just to happily knock them over again and again.  Each smile brightening my day.

The last year has had some challenges.  Days have been busy, the house has gone uncleaned.  Therapy and doctors appointments pile up.  Finding balance between work and home has been hard at times.

But through it all, I wouldn't change a thing.  I wouldn't change the friends I've met, the things I've learned.  Most importantly, I wouldn't change Claire.