Monday, January 10, 2011

I felt bad...

Recently a friend used the r word.  It caught me off guard coming from her, and I wasn't ready with a request not to use the word.  The social situation we were in didn't offer me an opportunity to pull her aside, so I let the moment pass.  This was a good friend, though, who I see frequently, and since I needed to address the issue I sent her an email. 

I cried as I wrote the email.  I felt bad because I know 'she didn't mean it that way'.  She would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or Claire, and yet she did.  I explained to her that when someone says 'don't act like a retard', what I hear is 'don't act like Claire.'  The word is never used as a compliment, it's always an insult.  And I felt bad that I had to send the email.

And then I felt bad for feeling bad because I stood up for my daughter.

Last night we talked.  She apologized for using the word, that she didn't mean it that way, and that she didn't even know she'd said it until I pointed it out.  She said that she cried herself to sleep the night she got the email.  And I felt even worse.

Then she thanked me.

She thanked me for the humbling and eye opening experience.  She said that as she cried herself to sleep that one night she thought about all the times, in the years ahead, that I would cry.  All the times that people would, intentionally or not, hurt me or hurt Claire.

And I felt so much better.

Not because she cried, but because she thought about what I'd said, and she got it.  This is someone who will not only consider the words she uses, but it wouldn't surprise me if she doesn't correct others for using the word also.  Her eyes are open, and even though we both felt bad, it was worth it.

25 comments:

  1. Geez, made me cry too. That's a good friend.

    There have been many times I have heard that word and never corrected that person. I'm a wimp. I hope someday I can figure out the right words to say when I hear that word.

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    1. After you educate someone the first time it just gets easier and easier. Now I just say something like "I personally can't stomach the word retard. I have a daughter with special needs and she is far from stupid and hapless. I wish you would find a substitute for retard." People will always say that they didn't mean it that way but seriously, have you ever heard retard used as a compliment?

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  2. Aww, this brought tears to my eyes! I had a similar situation happen with a long distance friend over email shortly after Payton was born. We are so close that I immediately said something following her statement like, "Do you consider Payton to be mentally retarded?" She caught my drift and apologized and felt like an idiot, which was not my intention. But I too love that your friend was so impacted by it all ... good friend you have there!

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  3. Those are the moments that I cry too- for all of the reasons you mentioned but also because it is just one more thing that I have to go through that friends with "normal" babies don't. I hate that. I'm glad that you were able to resolve it with your friend. I'm finding that keeping friends with typical babies is getting harder and harder. Especially since all I know is having a baby with ds. Working on it...You did a good thing by writing that email to your friend, no matter how difficult it was to do.

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  4. Wow, you resolved this beautifully. Gave me chills to read, especially when she said she cried herself to sleep - she definitely got the message and has become a better person for it! We never want conflict in our lives, but to internalize the issue would be poisonous to you. I'm so glad this worked out.

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  5. I was in a similar situation except it was my SISTER who said it. I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. I could not believe she was so unaware. I asked my Mom to say something to her because I was way too emotional. My parents never did and when I confronted her she said I made her feel like s**t and never apologized and now says she has nothing to apologize for, she didn't do anything wrong. I also ruined her pregnancy announcement! I even stated I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings and asked here never to use that word around me or my family.
    Am I crazy?

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  6. And I'm crying too. You have a very good friend there!

    Goodness this is ,making me cry!

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  7. I applaud you for saying something. It couldn't have been easy, but the "easier" alternative would have just caused the statement to fester and maybe even get in between the two of you. You are a good friend to address it, and she is a good friend for taking it in the spirit it was intended. I know you have made me more aware of the terms I use without thinking. You are making a difference.

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  8. all I can say is AWESOME!! for you, Claire and your friend...smiles

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  9. Good for you and good for your friend! I think it takes courage for her to accept that she was wrong and to change! You did the right thing and I think it shows how great of a friendship the two of you share.

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  10. Wow...you handled that so well! And your friend...she handled it great too!

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  11. I think you handled that situation beautifuly. By making just one more person aware of how words can hurt helps change the world for our children...Good job!

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  12. Blessed with such a solid friendship.On this journey,it is so important.

    I think maybe I said this on FB, to someone,might have been you,although it seems like we all have run into this at some point or another,but if it is a repeat,so sorry but...

    It does get easier,as time goes by and Claire gets older.It still hurts your heart a little bit each and everytime but I promise,it actually becomes empowering when you begin to address it with no reservations.

    Sorry for the tears,for both of you but in the end,I so see it as positive experience.Minus the tinge of sadness.

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  13. I actually think its a great idea that you did an email and not in the moment. Maybe its just me. I was thinking the other day that when I was younger I used the use the R word a lot! My neighbor, who was like my second mother, would always remind me that we don't use that word. She had a Down syndrome niece. Funny how the tide has turned!

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  14. Now THAT is a friend you never let go of. What a wonderful experience for both of you!

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  15. I think you handled this perfectly and you showed such courage. Your friend is obviously awesome and she will be an amazing advocate.

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  16. Really a kind story. I like how you handled it- it helps your friend be able to take the time to think about what you said and not just feel defensive and embarrassed. Hugs- very brave!

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  17. I am so glad there are people out there that can realize the effect that one word can have on others and make it a point of not continuing to speak it. How can we not try and bring people to the knowledge of how much it can hurt others. Even when they don't mean it in that way.

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  18. You did the right thing. I once corrected a co-worker and he felt so bad he kept coming up to my desk and apologizing over and over and over...to the point where I regretted correcting him but it is important. People do not realize what they are saying when they use that term. When I was in high school, we used to say "That's so gay" to refer to something that was "stupid" or "uncool" and I had someone point out the offensiveness of that comment and I felt terrible but I now realize it's equally offensive as the "R" word is to me. You've enlightened one more person and I commend you!

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  19. Melissa, I am sure it was unintentional, however, it bothered you and you did the right thing by addressing it. I am sure your friend did feel awful, but she certainly learned from this. I am happy and sad for both of you.

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  20. claire is such a cutie...i have been meaning to come over since seeing her on patti's blog! i think you handled the situation perfectly, and i look forward to following miss claire :)

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  21. Sweet Mamas. Tender Mamas. Protective Mamas. Respectful Mamas.It is so great when it all works out this way. I want to say each time it gets easier and for some it may. Hopefully for you and her it will, but we are 1 stronger for your honesty and pain.

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  22. Sweet Mamas. Tender Mamas. Protective Mamas. Respectful Mamas.It is so great when it all works out this way. I want to say each time it gets easier and for some it may. Hopefully for you and her it will, but we are 1 stronger for your honesty and pain.

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  23. What an awesome friend! I am glad you have another friend on our side now to help bring awareness to stop using the R Word!

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