Reflections for Mother's Day

I'm late getting a Mother's Day post up because our weekend was filled with cows, but I didn't want to have my first Mother's Day go by without an acknowledgement.

My first Mother's Day had me looking back about six months ago.  This was right around the time the doctors discovered Claire's heart defect. We had gone in for a routine growth ultrasound and were excited to see our baby again.  And then the tech stopped on her heart, and stayed there for what seemed like forever.  And I knew.  And at first I didn't ask, because maybe if she didn't say it, it wouldn't be true.

When the doctor finally came in I had to say it, and I remember very calmly asking if this was the defect that was commonly associated with Down syndrome. When he said it was, I was able to say ok, and sat silently through the rest of the appointment as they scheduled us to see the cardiologist the following week. I made it out of the clinic before completely breaking down. I stood in the parking lot with Darren for quite a while and sobbed. Not only were we now facing open heart surgery, we also now had DS to deal with.

We live 2 hours from our doctor, and all of our family knew we had an appt that day. The phone rang all the way home, and I couldn't take a single call because I couldn't stop crying. I would finally calm down a little, and then the reality of our situation would creep in and I would be crying all over again.

The next week was a haze filled with lots and lots of tears. I was trying to fill close friends in on the situation without crying uncontrollably. My baby shower was also scheduled for about a week after this appointment, and I almost cancelled it because I just wasn't excited for our baby then. Now, I'm very glad that I went ahead and had it, but I wish the timing had been a little different.

My first post on my blog was titled Scared. This was posted shortly before I was due, right after another massive crying spell. I told Darren that I would prefer to be pregnant forever just so we wouldn't have to deal with the unknowns of our baby's situation. These worries and fears made me feel terrible. I felt like I should be as accepting of the situation as he was, but I just couldn't do it.

Six months later I wonder what I was so worried about. I look at my crazy haired, blue eyed girl and all I see is Claire.  I don't see a diagnosis, I just see love.  There are things I wish were different.  I wish she didn't have to struggle for what comes easily to others.  I wish there weren't cruel people in the world who make fun of those who are different.  I wish her "disability" wasn't apparent on her face, as some people may place limitations on her.  But, I have slowly come to realize that even if I could take away the DS, I would change who she is, and my baby girl is perfectly and wonderously made just as she is!