The closer we get to Pip's arrival (only 2-3 weeks away), the more scared I get. I've been doing lots of reading on Ds boards and blogs and while most of the time this makes me feel so much better, every once in a while I'll read something that will totally freak me out. Last night there wasn't anything specific that I read, but I still had a bit of a melt down. Maybe I just needed to cry.
I'm scared that
-our baby will have Down syndrome
-that I won't be able to handle it
-that I won't love him/her
-that a special needs child will wreck my marriage
-s/he won't fit in
-s/he won't make it through the heart surgery
I had an even bigger list of things that scared me as I was trying to fall asleep last night, but these are the ones that have stuck with me to this morning. This list isn't the most flattering, but it is honest. I know that a lot of these fears will disappear when Pip arrives, but in the meantime they can be overwhelming.
My crying fit and Darren's support last night did me a world of good and I'm feeling much calmer and more optimistic this morning. This verse from Isaiah has been my constant companion for the last few days and hopefully will bring me even more peace in the days to come.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
I wanted to let you know, that I have felt those emotions and thought those questions, that it gets easier and I haven't even met Grady yet. We are on similar journeys... and I am so sure that God picked you to be your child's mother because He knows you better than you know yourself, and he knows you can do this, GOD IS LOVE.
ReplyDeleteI'm just now starting to read your personal blog and want you to know that for me this stuff has never completely gone away. Probably not what you want to hear, huh? Not that it doesn't get easier (it DOES), but that wondering how you can possibly do the best for your kid keeps happening. I try to tell myself that *all* parents think this in general, even if my worries are Ds specific.
ReplyDeleteIt also helps me to think that my son picked me. God assigning him to me doesn't rid me of the pressure the way picturing the two of them deciding that I was the right Mama for him together does. Just another way of looking at it that helps me when I'm having a moment.