Struggling

When I was on maternity leave people would always ask if I was tired and how I was doing adjusting to having 2 kids.  I would quickly respond (honestly I thought) that we were doing great, and that I wasn't all that tired.  The reality of the situation, made obvious since going back to work, is that I am struggling.

The past few days were rough.  Really rough.  I'm doing a crappy job of mothering two little girls at once.  Three days with both of them and no help had me at the end of my rope.

In typical two-year-old fashion Claire knows exactly which of my buttons to push to get a reaction.  Usually I can correct her, distract her or just ignore it.  But after three days of constantly saying "don't hit/scratch/bite your sister" I was done.  Bridget was crying because she was hurt, Claire was (sometimes) crying because she was in trouble, and I sat on the floor and cried with them.  I am exhausted, overwhelmed and short tempered.

I don't like who I am when I'm this impatient.  I'm sure Claire, with good reason, doesn't like me much either.

Tomorrow is my day off.  Usually with both girls.  And I just can't do another day with both of them right now. I need a break.  I need to clean my house.  I need to get my head on straight.  Thankfully daycare has a spot available for Claire tomorrow, because we both need a break.

Even though I know I need this down time, I feel like such a failure.  I know you don't get the whole story of anyone's life from little bits and pieces posted on blogs and facebook, but this motherhood things seems to come so easy to others.  I do a great job of not comparing Claire to her peers.  Unfortunately, I'm not as easy on myself.

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I wrote most of this last night.  This morning I learned my Grandpa passed away yesterday.  Bridget and I will travel to Chicago for the funeral, and Claire will stay home with Darren. I know I still need the break tomorrow, but now I feel even guiltier sending her to daycare when I likely won't see her this weekend.  I really thought this whole motherhood thing would be easier than it is....