When I was on maternity leave people would always ask if I was tired and how I was doing adjusting to having 2 kids. I would quickly respond (honestly I thought) that we were doing great, and that I wasn't all that tired. The reality of the situation, made obvious since going back to work, is that I am struggling.
The past few days were rough. Really rough. I'm doing a crappy job of mothering two little girls at once. Three days with both of them and no help had me at the end of my rope.
In typical two-year-old fashion Claire knows exactly which of my buttons to push to get a reaction. Usually I can correct her, distract her or just ignore it. But after three days of constantly saying "don't hit/scratch/bite your sister" I was done. Bridget was crying because she was hurt, Claire was (sometimes) crying because she was in trouble, and I sat on the floor and cried with them. I am exhausted, overwhelmed and short tempered.
I don't like who I am when I'm this impatient. I'm sure Claire, with good reason, doesn't like me much either.
Tomorrow is my day off. Usually with both girls. And I just can't do another day with both of them right now. I need a break. I need to clean my house. I need to get my head on straight. Thankfully daycare has a spot available for Claire tomorrow, because we both need a break.
Even though I know I need this down time, I feel like such a failure. I know you don't get the whole story of anyone's life from little bits and pieces posted on blogs and facebook, but this motherhood things seems to come so easy to others. I do a great job of not comparing Claire to her peers. Unfortunately, I'm not as easy on myself.
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I wrote most of this last night. This morning I learned my Grandpa passed away yesterday. Bridget and I will travel to Chicago for the funeral, and Claire will stay home with Darren. I know I still need the break tomorrow, but now I feel even guiltier sending her to daycare when I likely won't see her this weekend. I really thought this whole motherhood thing would be easier than it is....
I am so sorry about your Grandfather Melissa. Do not beat yourself up over this. Motherhood IS hard, for everyone. I don't know a single person who would say it's easy and if they do they are lying! I have many days that I struggle too and by the end of the day my voice gets pretty screechy. You are not a failure, you're a good mom for knowing when you need a break so that you are better able to handle them. That's why they say motherhood is the hardest, most rewarding job in the world. Big hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I feel the same way about parenting two kiddos. I heard someone say 1 is 2 and 2 is 10, and this is sure what it feels like as far as the work that goes into parenting 2 instead of 1. My temper is so much shorter now, and I try, but keep slipping. I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather and wish you safe travels...and a little bit of rest. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteOh my sweet young friend. My heart hurt as I read this and wished that I could do or say something to ease the place where you are at. All I can tell you is, that it will get better. You are still in your 'new normal' stage. As a mom of 6, 2 separate sets and Miss Z thrown in there, I can relate on many levels. Been there more times then I can count. I want you to keep voicing the need for help or a break and I want you take the help and the break. Not asking for help and accepting it was, and continues to be one of my biggest regrets. We need to rip off the superwoman/supermom capes we don so often and say ... this is hard. And when we say it, we need to not feel guilty. The guilt is useless and unproductive. Today is a new day and and with it brought more sadness and stress I am sure, so today I will send you love and prayers across the miles and will check on you later.
ReplyDeleteIt truly sounds like you are doing an amazing job of mothering. You are being so hard on yourself. Having a 2-year-old is hard on EVERYONE and that's without having a newborn to take care of on top of that. All those mothers who seem to be such naturals at it are just putting on a persona for others. I really believe that. By utilizing your resources (like daycare) you are really doing a good thing for your children, doubly so because you are making sure that you have the "break" you need to be able to best care for them. When you're a mom, especially with young ones you are on GO all.the.time so what you're feeling is a normal reaction! Nobody can constantly be in that mode 24/7 without getting overwhelmed sometimes.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather. My thoughts are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSecond. Oh, girl. I so sympathize with this post and I've been back to work full-time for over a year. It's so hard. And for each of us, the circumstances are different, making the what's easy for me hard for you and vice versa. I don't really have any words of wisdom, and I don't want to shower you with platitudes. Just know that you are not alone. From one imperfect mom to another, I stand beside you. One breath, one moment, one day at a time.
When you mess up, just know that you get another shot to get it right tomorrow.
I feel like this just about every single day. I too am a new mother of two - except the newest edition is the 10-year old that came with my husband. The fact that she has downsyndrome just adds to the "fun."
ReplyDeleteI have been so stark raving mad with Ciena over what to me are "weird behaviors" that I freak out on her then cry with her. The guilt from all that failure then follows me around until my husband comes home and he reminds me it's okay to LET GO OF THE GUILT. And yeah, he totally talks in all caps. lol
I really appreciate you sharing your struggles in this post because it feels great to know that other moms struggle with some of my same emotions!
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry about your grandfather. :-( And I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now!! I'm pretty sure just about *every* mother out there has gone through similar feelings, and I'm also pretty sure they all survived just fine, as did their children. :-) Don't beat yourself up, and don't feel guilty!! This is perfectly normal. You're doing an amazing job being mommy to those two beautiful little girls. It will just keep on getting better. (((hugs)))
DeleteOMG I don't know what to respond to first! I wish I could give you a hug. First, I am so sorry about your Grandpa. Just give yourself up to grieving and place yourself in the arms of your family and God. Let them take the baby! As far as mothering, please don't beat yourself up. Seriously girl, we all feel like failures at some point. My whole maternity leave with my son, I had my daughter in daycare. I could NOT cope. I was terrified to be home alone with both of them. And e-mail me on certain days, even now when they are 14 and 12, and I would tell you I am *this* close to running away! I often ask myself what the hell I did wrong with raising them. Logically, I know that each stage has its challenges, and you just have to ride them out. But when you are in the middle of a mama fit (what I like to call it) you just can't be mollified. Any time you need to e-mail and get it off your chest, I am here!
ReplyDeleteHUGSSS! and big ones at that! I am so sorry about your grandfather...I am sorry this is tough time...I would tel you it gets easier...but I am not sure if it gets easier or we just adjust...but now that a big hug is sent your way! smiles
DeleteSo sorry to hear about your Grandpa. HANG INT THERE!!! Oh, sorry...was I yelling? Unfortunately, I understand where you're coming from all too well. Lately, I feel like I'm yelling more and less and less patient. Try not to beat yourself up over it. Knowing you are in need of a break and following through with one is proof that you are a good mommy. I have felt on the end of my rope lately...just know you're not alone in how you're feeling/acting. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your grandpa, I am happy you will be able to celebrate his life and bring Bridget (to show off). Parenting is very hard, and sometimes we lose ourselves for awhile, buy one thong I have learned, deep down inside we are still there, just doing what we need to...because we are mothers. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about your loss! It seems that just when we've hit rock bottom something new comes our way to test us!
ReplyDeleteAbout mothering two- I have felt this exact same way and I'm not working an outside job so I can't even IMAGINE the added stress that you have going on there. Life with two little ones is SO HARD, and you're right- bits and pieces online from others makes it all look so easy! I found that it got a lot easier once Carter was 4-5 months and we were finally in a good routine. It takes time, but it WILL get better. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing an AMAZING job. All you have to handle is one day at a time, and if that means sending Claire to daycare even when you're off- there's nothing to feel guilty about because that's what you need to keep taking good care of both of them! Hugs! I hope your trip is somewhat relaxing for you even though it is not under good circumstances. Praying for you.
My deepest sympathies for your loss. These things happen at the times we most aren't ready for them, but I know that you will be fine. My father passed when Katie was 10 mths old, and that was her first introduction to my family's extended family and friends (we lived out of state and she needed heart surgery before she could travel). It actually went much better than I expected.
ReplyDeleteI've been told that we are given only what we can handle. Honestly, I used to believe that at first, and then days like yours hit, and I begin to doubt it. Please allow yourself to feel what you feel, I've been the same way the past few months now, and don't know if it's depression or just part of normal mommie-hood. I am reading your blog and am AMAZED at what you've done with Claire in such a short amount of time! Katie is now 3 and you've sailed way passed me. Keep up the AWESOME job you are doing, and don't doubt yourself for a minute that you are not doing a good job. Daycare is the best setting for your little one, and good for you that you have found a place to take care.
Hugs hugs and more hugs. ~Maria
SO sorry about the loss of your grandfather Melissa HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI think all young moms have moments of "meltdowns", but as our children do. It's important to take time for you and to realize when you need to step away. Your family will be better because of it as well...another HUG
Oh Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandpa.
ReplyDeleteAnd just know that ALL Mom's have days, even weeks like this. It's normal...And it will pass. And in no way are you a failure as a Mother. We are only human...And we NEED breaks every now and then...Thinking of you and hoping the weeks to come are a little smoother and easier. You're an excellent Mother :)
I'm so sorry about the loss of your grandfather. You will be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about being a terrible parent. We ALL have moments where we feel we're not doing a good job. (My kids are grown and I used to babysit my granddaughter on the one day a week I had off and I was to that point, frustrated, short tempered, 'I need a day to myself!!' Their schedules changed and now I watch her on saturdays.) What you're going through is normal. It'll be okay. Welcome to parenthood. :)
I think moms do a disservice to other moms pretending that we can do it all. It's hard for all of us. And not just "I'm tired at the end of the day- hard", but "sit down and bawl on the kitchen floor and dream of running away- hard". I've been there recently myself. I think it just reflects on what a good mom you are - wanting the best for your children. But please know that being a "perfect mom" (which doesn't really exist) is actually harming your child. Children need to know that we mess up and have bad days and watch us as we ask for forgiveness and work for improvement. I know my children will be imperfect parents, and I want them to know that it's OK. I want them to know that we all need to monitor ourselves and take care of ourselves. You just pick yourself up, pray for strength, ask for forgiveness, and keep moving forward.
ReplyDeletePrayers for strength, healing, and happy memories for your family. I'm sorry about the loss of your grandpa. (((hugs)))
I am a little behind in reading.......
ReplyDeleteFirst, I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather passing. I saw on FB that you had went to a funeral. I am sorry you are having to deal with all this "stuff".
I can feel your pain and frustration about trying to be the "perfect" parent. My husband travels a lot and there have been MANY days where I have sat on the floor and cried because I just. can't. do. it! I am back to work and will soon be traveling a lot too and I am so stressed about it. How am I going to fit in ALL these things to do in just a couple of day period at home.
I have not been taking very good care of myself since Madi was born because I felt like I had to be super-mom but as of 2 weeks ago, I decided enough is enough. I HAVE to take care of myself. And so do you. It is perfectly okay for you to put your kids in daycare so that you can have time to yourself! You will be a better mom for it! Just know that you are not alone. There are MANY of us who have the same thoughts and feelings as you.
You are a FABULOUS mom!!!!