Day 10 and Day 11

Day 10: Something you're afraid of

It may sound trite, but I'm always afraid of losing those close to me.  After Brian's accident if anyone was more than a few minutes late getting home it just about sent me into a panic attack.  I knew in my head that more than likely everything was fine, but my heart was just scared.  These days I don't worry as much, but I'm still particular about checking in when people reach their destinations.

What I did learn from Brian's accident is to make sure you tell your friends and family that you love them, and what they mean to you.  Don't leave fights unfinished.  To this day I'm so grateful that my last words with Brian were "I love you.  See you tonight".



Day 11: TV shows that your currently addicted to

I won't call it addicted, but I do love reality TV.  I always watch Survivor and Amazing Race, but I've also been watching America's Next Great Restaurant and Top Shot.  I don't usually watch cooking shows, but Next Great Restaurant is interesting because everyone eats in fast casual restaurants (think Chipotle or Noodles) and I love seeing what concepts work with the investors. 

Top Shot is on History Channel and this is the second season.  It's hosted by Colby (of Survivor fame) and follows typical reality show format.  It starts with a team challenge, then moves to individual.  The contestents have challenges each week.  Some speed and accuracy, some just basic marksmanship.  The remainder of this season will be intesting as all of the contestants left have a military background.  The show is now casting for season 4.

Day 5: A Song That Means A Lot To Me

There are a few songs that mean an awful lot to me.  There is the song I danced to at my wedding (Making Memories of Us by Keith Urban), and the song that ran through my head constantly in the days leading up to and following Claire's heart surgery (What Faith Can Do by Kutless), but I decided to go with the song that came to mind as soon as I saw this day's topic.



This song will ALWAYS remind me of Brian.  For months, even years, I couldn't hear it without crying, but these days I can smile knowing that Brian is in a good place.

31 for 21: Blood Draw and a Thank You

 

On Wednesday, Claire had her blood drawn for her 9 month thyroid check.  I have been dreading, and praying about, this appointment for weeks.  Before we went in to the hospital I called the lab to see who their expert in hard to draw kids was.  I knew what days she worked and was as prepared as I could be. 

When we were called back for the draw I explained to the gal there that Claire was nearly impossible to get blood from.  After her OHS we had 5 or 6 NICU and PICU nurses try and fail. So I wasn't too optimistic, but we needed to try. 

We wrapped Claire in a warm blanket and I rocked her for about 15 minutes.  By then she was toasty warm and getting sleepy.  We laid her on the table and only took one arm from under the blanket.  There was another gal there just to hold Claire's arm.  Claire watched very calmly as they poked at her arm.  When she stuck Claire with the needle, Claire didn't even flinch.  She had to search just a tiny bit for the vein, and throughout the whole thing not a single tear was shed.  We got the blood we needed, and it was, by far, the best blood draw we've ever had.

On a different note, thank you all for you emails and comments on my post about Brian.  It's kind of scary to talk about such a personal situation, as you can never be sure what the reaction will be.  I'm sure that post made some people uncomfortable, where they just didn't know what to say.  But I'm so thankful for those that did leave comments.  And if I haven't responded to your emails or comments, I haven't forgotten about you!

31 for 21: 5 Years Ago

5 years ago my world was turned upside down.

It started like any other day.  I went to work in the morning, and then home for lunch with Brian.  We ate, talked about what we had planned for the afternoon.  I reminded him he needed to call his mom that night, and we said goodbye, I love you, see you tonight...

When a police office walked into the office a few hours later and asked for me, it didn't faze me at all.  I work at an insurance agency, and it's not unheard of to have the police ask if one of our clients has coverage.  I expected them to tell me one of our clients had been in an accident.  Instead, they came into my office and shut the door. They asked if I knew Brian. I said I did, that he was my husband.  They said there had been an accident.  I sat and waited, knowing they were going to tell me he was in the hospital, maybe hurt badly.  But when they told me he'd been killed, all the air left the room.  I gasped for breath, and remember seeing my tears hit the floor.

They opened the door to the adjoining office, explained what was going on, and my friend came into my office.  This part is all a blur.  I think people were talking, I know I was crying, and then I had to get out of the room, sure I was going to be sick.  I sank down on the bathroom floor and just sat.  I remember being so concerned about where I was going to live.  Not only had I just lost Brian, but I was losing our house as well  (It was provided as a benefit of Brian's job).  Even at the time I knew this was a strange thing to worry about, but I wasn't really thinking clearly.

When I came out of the bathroom the officer asked about notifying Brian's parents.  They offered to send an officer out to their house to tell them about the accident.  All I could picture was Brian's mom, home by herself, when this officer showed up to give her terrible news.  I just couldn't put her through that, so I did the notification.  And to this day, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

I went into the conference room and called her.  I was crying and barely able to catch my breath.  As soon as she heard my voice I'm sure she knew something was wrong.  I told her that there had been an accident, and that Brian was gone.  She wailed, and that sound will forever echo in my head.  I don't know what else was said except that they'd be on their way to our house soon. 

After that I tried to get a hold of my mom again.  I'd tried earlier, and couldn't reach her.  I don't remember if the line was busy, or if she wasn't answering.  My dad was also called, but I honestly don't remember if I talked to him or not.  By this point I was exhausted, and probably only an hour or so had passed. 

I was taken home and remember lying on the couch while a friend went to look for Sage, one of our dogs.  He was in the pickup during the accident, but no one had seen him since.  He was found a short time later, completely unharmed. I stayed on the couch while the house filled with people, and the phone started ringing. I know I was there for it all, and maybe even participated over the next few days, but I don't remember much else.

For all of my wonderful family and friends that were there then, whether physically or through your prayers, thank you.  Your love, prayers and support were what kept me going.


ETA:  Now that I'm done writing this, it seems like I ended rather abruptly. There really is no good place to end though, because the story keeps going.  There was the funeral to plan, a move away from our house, and the world just kept turning around me.  But most of all, there is still missing Brian.

31 for 21: Playing Catch Up

Day 12:  These days it seems like I am always playing catch up.  I'm behind on laundry, dishes and of course, I'm behind on the really important stuff, like blogging and reading other people's blogs.

This weekend was another busy one for us.  Saturday morning Claire and I attended our first local community group.  There were 4 other moms and 3 kids there.  I'm always a little nervous going into situations where there may be older kids with Ds.  I expect to be a little uncomfortable, and so far, that just hasn't been the case.  The three kids on Saturday were from 3-9 years old, and they were all awesome.  There was a wide range of abilities, but I think I think I will learn a lot from the other mothers that have gone before me.  Claire was the youngest there, and I'm going to learn all I can from the experiences of the other moms. 

On Saturday afternoon we headed to my sisters.  My aunt was visiting from Texas, and while it was a short visit, it was great to see her.  She sells Lia Sophia jewelry and she and my mom set up quite a few shows while she was in town.  I'm hosting a catalog show, so if you'd like to get started on your Christmas shopping, let me know and I'll send you a link to my party.

Saturday night was spent at the farm, and Sunday morning we headed to Brian's shoot.  After Brian's passing we set up a scholarship fund in his honor.  It is for students going into an Agricultural field, and each year we hold a hold a sporting clay shoot as a fundraiser.  This year Darren was weaning calves, so neither he or I shot.  While I missed shooting, I haven't picked up a shotgun since last year, so it probably wouldn't have been very pretty anyway. 

We finally made it home around 10pm on Sunday night (which is my excuse for not getting a post up).  We had Claire in her jammies for the ride home so we were able to get her out of her car seat and drop her right into bed.  While I love our busy weekends, and visiting with family, it sure is nice to get home again.

31 for 21: Counting My Blessings

 
Day 7:  Many of you who read this blog know me through Claire.  And so, you've only 'known' me for about 9 months.  But before Claire, and before I married Darren, I was married to Brian.  October will always make me think of Brian, but today October doesn't bring the sadness it once did.

Yesterday would have been Brian's 33rd birthday, but nearly five years ago he passed on.  October used to be the beginning of some hard months.  It was both the month of his birthday and the anniversary of his passing.  For a while, Thanksgiving and Christmas were very hard.  Holidays never seem as joyous when you are missing a loved one.  But today, while I still miss Brian very much, I am able to focus on the blessings he brought into my life.

I am thankful for Brian's wonderful family. His parents, sister and nieces, grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins. While I don't see as much of them as I used to, they will always be my family, and I love them very much.

Most importantly, I am blessed to have had Brian in my life.  We had eight wonderful years together, and I would be a very different person today if I hadn't known him.  I am so thankful for all of our wonderful memories.  The times we laughed until we cried, our trips together, and especially the days that were all alike.  Those days where we worked our jobs, spent the evening together, and then got up the next morning to do it all over again.

Those days make up the bulk of our lives, and I've learned to cherish them. To slow down and appreciate all that I have in my life. I've learned to pick my battles.  There are things that may seem huge at the time, but really are insignificant in the long run.  I've learned not to hold grudges.  Forgiving someone always lightens the load on my shoulders.  And I've learned to say "I love you" everyday.  So that those in my life always know how important they are to me.